On January 24, the Oxford Union held a debate entitled, “This House Believes that the State of Israel has a Right to Exist.” Arguing in favor of the motion were Ted Honderich and Norman Finkelstein. Against the motion were Ghada Karmi and Michel Massih, (Ilan Pappe was originally slated to oppose).

Finkelstein is a hero of neo-Nazis and Holocaust deniers. In The Jewish Divide Over Israel, a collection of essays edited by Edward Alexander and Paul Bogdanor, the latter writes of Finkelstein, “In his moral calculus, Tel Aviv deserves the fate of Hiroshima and pregnant women are ‘legitimate targets’ for mass murder.” That the Oxford Union would choose this man to defend Israel defies the imagination.

Honderich, a lesser known character, and the only one who placed his remarks on the Internet, argued that Arabs have a moral right to conduct terrorism in all of Israel in order to obtain part of Israel for a state. So suicide bombers who hang on Honderich’s words can rest easy and carry on as before.

The debate was off-limits to the general public and no transcript exists, though Oxford students can listen to a recording on Oxford’s campus. The Oxford Union’s reply to our request for a transcript concluded, “And just in case, the event was closed to the press so whilst you would be able to listen to it, you would not be able to report on it or provide an account to the press.”

One student leaked a report to The Jerusalem Post. The debate was as farcical as one might expect. Finkelstein, who argued for the motion, voted against it while Honderich, who switched sides during the debate to oppose the motion, in the end voted for it. According to the Post, “the student union conceded Israel’s ’right to exist’ by just over 100 votes.”

While it seems out of character for a prestigious institution like Oxford to hold an anti-Israel hate debate, it may be more in keeping with the university’s tradition than at first thought, as much of the property on which Oxford was built was confiscated from Jews when they were expelled from England in 1290.

Curious as to whether the Oxford Union ever held a debate on the university’s right to exist on stolen Jewish land, we recruited an Oxford undergraduate to do research in the Union’s archives. What he unearthed was even more astonishing, a still more secret Oxford Union debate. The title, “This House Believes that England has a Right to Exist.” Arguing in favor of the motion were Al-Qaeda supreme leader Osama bin Laden and his spiritual adviser Ayman al-Zawahiri. Opposed to the motion were Al-Qaeda’s Jordanian operational planner Abu Musab Zarqawi and mastermind of the Sept. 11 attacks Khalid Shaikh Mohammed.

The following are excerpts our intrepid undergraduate smuggled out in his sock:

Mr. Bin Laden: England must be destroyed. It is an ally of [President George W.] Bush, man of many transgressions. Its troops sit on holy soil. We will punish the transgressors and crush them utterly.

Moderator: Um, Mr. Bin Laden, actually you are arguing in favor of the motion.

Mr. Bin Laden: Oh.

Mr. Al-Zawahri: Allow me to elucidate what our Supreme Leader has just said. What he means is that England has a right to exist provided it removes its troops, accepts Sharia law and submits to a world caliphate.

Mr. Bin Laden: That’s what I meant. Unless they don’t. Then we murder them all.

Mr. Zarqawi: This discussion makes me sick. There is no time to quibble about caliphates. England has no right to exist period! It is responsible for the Zionist entity in our midst. It opposed Nazism during World War II. Their women wear miniskirts. We must drive them into the sea.

Mr. Shaikh Mohammed: Which sea? Irish Sea, North Sea, Atlantic ocean? I need to know for operational planning.

Mr. Zarqawi: Whichever sea is closest.

Mr. Shaikh Mohammed: (jotting notes) Sea… closest.

Mr. Bin Laden: My mind has many confusing thoughts about England, especially about the women and their miniskirts. I think that now maybe only England’s women have the right to exist. They will become part of our world caliphate harem.

Mr. Al-Zawahiri: The Supreme Leader has spoken. All of England’s men must die. England’s miniskirts will become part of our harem.

Mr. Bin Laden: No, no miniskirts. We will put England’s women in burkhas and beat them repeatedly. Otherwise they will not know they are part of the caliphate.

Mr. Al-Zawahiri: You are wise beyond time, Oh Supreme Leader.

Mr. Zarqawi: Outrage! England’s women are full of filth and pestilence. These non-virginal whores must disappear. We will sink their island into the sea.

Mr. Shaikh Mohammed: Wait, which sea is that again?

Mr. Zarqawi: We will blow up England. We will make a new sea where England once existed!

Mr. Shaikh Mohammed: (jotting notes) New… sea.

Mr. Bin Laden: Can you repeat that? I can’t hear anything. I’m sitting at the back of a cave and there’s a lot of static on this video teleconference connection.

Mr. Al-Zawahiri: (loudly) He said he wants to sink England because their non-virginal women are whores.

Mr. Bin Laden: My mind finds it hard to argue with that logic. What if we keep the virgins only?

Mr. Al-Zawahiri: The Supreme Leader in his infinite greatness suggests only England’s virgins have a right to exist to serve us in our world caliphate harem.

Mr. Zarqawi: After we take out the virgins, then can I blow up England?

Mr. Al-Zawahri: We lost the Supreme Leader’s connection. But I feel confident he would agree.

David Isaac is a freelance writer in California.